the older you get, the harder it becomes to talk about life. or reflect on it, maybe, everything is moving so fast or too slow and you're always tired and there's never enough time and it takes so much effort to put what you're thinking in order or pen it down or lay it out before the moment slips away.

so much - so much - has happened in the last ( Read more... )

sometimes i stumble across old emails i wrote when things were bad, and i don't remember feeling that way or doing those things, and reading it feels like reading about something that happened to someone else, feelings that someone else felt. i can't tell if i've dissociated, if i'm still dissociating? if i'm as at peace with it or as well-adjusted ( Read more... )

a very peculiar thing happens when you transition into an environment where you're not on your own after being alone is pretty much your default mode of being. i swing from wanting the company to so desperately wanting time on my own that i volunteer for solo forty-five minute walks in the sweltering heat, or staying up till 6am every morning ( Read more... )

i've never been the kind of person to talk about my feelings when i'm upset. blog about them, sure, but actual communication, not so much. i think i could've been a talker, maybe, but too much has happened to get in the way of that. people always disappoint you, so it's better not to give them the chance to try ( Read more... )

taking some time out of studying to document this past horrifying miserable month. i've managed to fall down twice in the last four weeks. badly enough that they're a) going to leave huge scars, and b) making squatting/kneeling a very unpleasantly painful experience - which is just swell for me, considering those make up approximately 50-60% of my ( Read more... )

it's been a rough couple of weeks emotionally. after almost a solid year of being jerked around and letting it happen, of ups and downs and what the fucks and why is shes, of ridiculousness like this, it's been made very clear to me that i no longer exist to her. that me and my friendship mean so little that the prospect of us never talking again ( Read more... )

it's hard for me to relate to someone who makes a choice, but isn't happy with his/her choice. being happy with your choice is also a choice. with that said, if you choose to be unhappy with your choice, well, i guess you'll just be unhappy

just so we're clear, dude? i didn't ask. people don't live in a world where your standards are the gold ( Read more... )

everything always seems so much more dire when you're sick. we had our first casualty to the program this quarter (which--i didn't even know we would have any) and it's just driving home the idea that that's an option ( Read more... )

feeling inexplicably grateful tonight. i was just watching the rewrite, and it's somehow terrible and charming all at once, as most hugh grant movies are wont to be, and jk simmons played a principal who got all weepy every time he started talking about his family. which was so gimmicky, and made me roll my eyes every time they trotted it out, but ( Read more... )

okay. deep breath. reliving this experience is going to be pretty painful, but i'm tempering it with shopping sprees and disneyland, so hopefully that will even the score out. early wednesday morning we headed out to the livermore outlet mall, prepped for a couple of hours of bargain hunting. how wrong we were. my aunt is the best kind of person to ( Read more... )